


Shattered Souls & Weary Hearts

by thunderscape7



Series: Two Hawkes Are Better Than One [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bianca Davri Bashing, Canonical Character Death, Carver Hawke Being an Asshole, Disability, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Lyrium, M/M, Mental Illness, Mild Negativity Towards Anders, Mild Smut, Modern Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Modern Thedas, POV Third Person, Partial Blindness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Self-Discovery, Sexual Tension, Sibling Bonding, Slice of Life, Survivor Guilt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Women in the Military, pop culture references, un-betaed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 12:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15170306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderscape7/pseuds/thunderscape7
Summary: Marian Hawke joined the military when she was nineteen years old, leaving her twin brother Garrett in Kirkwall. Ten years later she is discharged in a classified incident that leaves her partially disabled and with severe survivor's guilt. This fic will be exploring Marian as she adjusts to life with her twin brother Garrett and his friends and some separation from the military bureaucracy but mainly, her growing relationship with one Varric Tethras.A Modern Thedas AU where Kirkwall is still a shithole, lyrium sucks, and everyone is a mess.Will mainly focus on the female Hawke/Varric relationship.





	Shattered Souls & Weary Hearts

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Just Like Heaven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14589480) by [LarasLandlockedBlues](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarasLandlockedBlues/pseuds/LarasLandlockedBlues). 
  * Inspired by [The Scandalous And Altogether True Adventures of Blobby & Pastey Hawke](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4014403) by [bettydice (BettyKnight)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BettyKnight/pseuds/bettydice), [codenamecynic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/codenamecynic/pseuds/codenamecynic). 



> A new, revised version of "Shattered Souls and Weary Hearts" that is still up but no longer being updated.  
> This story is close to my heart and I have been thinking about it a lot. Updates will probably not be too regular due to my current chronic illness, but I will do my best.
> 
> Tags will change and evolve as the story continues.

**** The paperwork felt like lead in her lap, she feeling numb to the reality before her, to all that had occurred in what felt like such a short amount of time. Marian had expected a dishonorable discharge five years before anything actually happened. The General had stood there with his practiced smile and glinting eyes. “ _ On behalf of your country, we thank you for your  _ dutiful _ and  _ honorable _ service, Sergeant Hawke. _ ” Her  _ honorable _ discharge felt like she had been given a gift made of molten rock, something she was duty-bound to carry and burn herself with even though she wanted nothing more than to leave it all behind along with her years of service, especially those first few ones.

She remembered it clearly, her first dosage of lyrium had been exhilarating; the tang of menthol on her tongue signaled increased strength, stamina, and reflexes. For the first two years of her military career she was just like every other soldier, moving up through the ranks, serving her country, following orders. Soldiers were given lyrium pills three times a day starting upon graduation from training. Starting immediately was the addiction to the  _ feeling _ of the drug. It made you powerful, indestructible, able to accomplish practically anything. However, after two years of service, things began to get fuzzy for Marian. Days turned into weeks into years of gaps in her memory, of orders followed but not remembered, her emotions stamped down, and any remaining contact she had with her family and friends in Kirkwall crumbled into nothing. Eventually, nothing existed except her commanding officer and her orders; those giving commands and the lessers tasked with following them to the letter. She would later learn that she had an adverse reaction to the drug, that the lyrium wasn't working through her system the way it normally did and therefore was having horrible side effects. Of course, she only learned this after three years of living in a fog with barely a hold on the reality of what she had done, thought, or been a part of. The army medics assured her they knew a way to fix it, that she could still take the lyrium even as Marian no longer believed their sugary words and false kindness. She began to see lyrium as it was, a poison that seeped into her bones and led to her being a part of a massacre of innocents on foreign territory; an incident conveniently erased from all official records and sealed behind layer upon layer of bureaucratic bullshit. She refused to continue taking lyrium then and there, fully expecting to be court martialed for insubordination or, at the very least, demoted. Her superiors, however, not only allowed her to remain in rank and continue not taking lyrium, but soon after promoted her. Behind the praise and painted grins was malice, promising her repercussions for her defiance, for having the  _ gall  _ to back away from her promise to dutifully serve her country.

Quitting had been hell, especially since her superiors took no real pity on her throughout, not that she expected it. But through the constant migraines, nightmares, flu-ishness, and pain she became more enlightened to the  _ lies _ she had been fed. She saw the young recruits given their first dose with a new clarity, saw the older retirees still living on base in a robotic fuzz that left them all but catatonic, unable to remember their lives, families, even specific events. Symptoms she had started to show so quickly. It proved that her case wasn't unique but expected. Anticipated as soldiers aged. It was the government's precious little secret that she knew everyone around here would force her to keep from the outside world. The fact that she had been  _ allowed _ to quit was the most sinister thought at the back of her mind.

Rather than recovering fully, Marian learned to live with the effects of her withdrawal, work with the pains she had like a punishment she deserved. When she was promoted to sergeant, put in charge of her own crew of soldiers, she knew she was being watched like a hawk, knew every step she made was scrutinized, judged, and viewed with the utmost detail. It made everything that had happened hurt so much more. She felt gutted, completely raw inside and out. Her head hadn't stopped pounding since that day, her hands shook and she could still hear the screams, smell blood around her, taste the ash in her mouth...

They told her it would have been easier for her to heal with lyrium, tempting her with relief from the pain, the memories, and the crippling guilt. The only survivor of a brutal and unanticipated attack. Wounded in battle, hospitalized, and treated for severe burns, breaks, and trauma. The doctors did what they could, but only so much could be done.d Her right eye, the nurse said, was healthy but the optic nerve was damaged. She may never regain sight. Her right humorous had been fractured in three places, with time it would heal but full movement and usage was still uncertain. 

“ _ That you survived is a miracle. The Maker must be looking out for you. _ ” The nurse had smiled kindly as she wrapped her wounds in fresh bandages, trying to help a situation that Marian was no longer sure how to handle. She wasn't sure if it was reality or paranoia that made her return to the thoughts that it was no accident, that she survived this attack on purpose, that  _ they _ had planned it. That's how she thought of her formerly hailed superiors; as something other, as an ominous  _ them _ that could not be trusted but should never be crossed. She was visited daily by her commanding officer as her ribs mended, her left foot healed, and her neck brace came and went. Each day it was simple platitudes, small talk and idle chatter before he would leave uttering the same words: “ _ You led your men to the best of your ability, Hawke. At least, that's what we'll tell the families, isn't it? That you did  _ everything _ you could to keep their love ones alive. _ ” And he would leave, letting Marian wallow alone in her slowly worsening depression and blame-game.

Now she was alone in a small motel room just off base, staring down at her discharge paperwork and her laptop. She had sent an email to family and friends once she was released from the hospital. It was short and sweet, basically mentioning her discharge and her eventual, uncertain return to Kirkwall. She had apartment listings open on her laptop. It didn’t even feel real, the thought of returning home after she had lost contact for so long. After quitting lyrium she had the occasional conversation with her mother or twin, but nothing of substance. Whether it was because of spotty signal in some areas or her anxiety over having to explain anything, she didn’t make as much of an effort as she should have. That’s why, as she was scrolling through ad after ad, that her phone chiming startled her.

 

\--Gare-Bear 9:30 PM--   
[Hey. Just got your email. I can’t]   
[I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. Do you need anything?]

 

Marian stared at her phone for a long time. It had been a year since she actually had a conversation with Garrett, it felt strange. She had a video call with her family last Christmas and that had been a whole basket of awkward. And that thought hurt because he used to be her absolute best friend and closest confidant along with Varric and now she felt so much panic and awkwardness at the thought of even engaging in a text conversation.

 

\--Me 9:45 PM--   
[Hi. I’m okay. Just looking at aprtments]   
[apartments*]

 

\--Me 9:50 PM--   
[It’s kind of overwhelming but I’m doing good. Ha ha]

 

Putting down her phone, Marian turned back to her laptop to continue scrolling through ads. Her mother would, of course, insist she move back home with her. Wouldn’t Leandra love to have her eldest daughter back in her clutches? Their relationship wasn’t horrible, but her mother hadn’t been too thrilled with her career choices rather than follow her mother’s plan of becoming a wife and caregiver. It wasn’t that she was against such ideas, it just hadn’t felt right for her at twenty. She was halfway through a third listing when her phone chimed again.

 

\--Gare-Bear 9:52 PM--   
[:| You’re a horrible liar. Even over text. I love you <3]

 

\--Gare-Bear 9:55 PM--   
[I have a spare room her in Kirkwall]

 

Kirkwall. Her family had moved there when she and Garrett were fifteen and the twins, Bethany and Carver, were ten after the death of their father. It was a good fresh start for the family and it was her mother’s hometown so there was a sentimentality there as well. It didn’t make the thought of moving back there any easier. 

 

\--Me 10:00 PM--   
[Thanks for the offer, but I’m 29 Gare. I can find a place of my own]

 

\--Gare-Bear 10:02 PM--   
[I’m worried. Mom called. She said she doesn’t like the idea of you living alone]

 

Marian scowled.

 

\--Me 10:02 PM--   
[Of course she did]

 

\--Gare-Bear 10:05 PM--   
[... Don’t hate me. But....I kind of agree with her]   
[Just temporarily! You need time to adjust. It’d be a lot easier on you with someone else around]   
[I’m better than mom, right?]

 

The understatement of the year. Marian sighed. A part deep down in herself knew that he was right. Adjustment would be easier for her that way, especially since she was  _ still _ trying to adjust to her own physical and mental situations. Maker knew she had a lot to deal with.

 

\--Gare-Bear 10:10 PM--   
[Please don’t hate me]   
[I’m cleaning out the spare room.]

 

\--Me 10:10 PM--   
[No! Garrett. I won’t be a burden to you]

 

\--Gare-Bear 10:12 PM--   
[Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not.]   
[But seriously, please stay with me in Kirkwall for a bit. You’re allowed to be vulnerable. Especially now]   
[PS my friends would be /totally/ stoked to meet you]

 

Marian smiled just a little, pushing her laptop off of her lap and focusing her attention on the text conversation. She’d forgotten how much she missed her brother, how upbeat and positive he was. It was refreshing to have that security from childhood again after ten years of military life. Her phone chimed three times quickly in succession and she groaned when she saw the senders.

 

\--Mother 10:20 PM--   
[Marian. Call me soon. We should talk.]

 

\--Bethy 10:20 PM--   
[Hey. Wanna Talk? <3]

 

\--Mother 10:21 PM--   
[Your room is still here.]

 

Marian scowled. She deleted the texts from her mother, mentally told herself to reply to Bethany a bit later, and clicked back to Garrett’s messages. She sighed and knew if she declined he would give her those sad puppy-dog eyes and call her daily in worry. She absolutely  _ wouldn’t _ be able to live on her own with her family after her. One way or another they would make sure someone was with her 24/7. If she moved in with Garrett, at least she could control a part of who she was around. Thinking on this, she reached for her cup of water and heard it crash onto the floor.

“Shit!” She wasn’t used to having a blind spot on her right side, her  _ dominant  _ side. She’d missed the cup and knocked it over. Setting her phone down, she slipped off the bed and went to grab a towel, stubbing her toe twice on the way before she made it back to clean up the mess. At least it was water, though she gave a frustrated growl when she had to reminder herself to double check to make sure she didn’t miss a spot. She grit her teeth, frustrated and sick of herself.

She was torn from her thoughts as the guitar riff from  _ Eye of the Tiger _ pierced the air. Garrett’s ringtone.  She sighed, hanging her head and hitting her forehead against the edge of the nightstand. “Ow.” she muttered, knowing she could ignore him and let it go to voicemail. “Fuck.” She grabbed her phone, flipping it open. “Hey, Gare.”

“Almost thought you wouldn’t answer.” She could hear the concerned undertone in his voice, though she also knew when Garrett was joking around.

She sighed audibly into the phone. “You know I almost didn’t.” It was no secret that she didn’t like talking on the phone, even in high school. She left the towel forgotten on the floor as she got up to sat back down on the bed, tucking her knees up to her chest. She could hear a few voices in the background, unable to make out any words but it was clear someone else was at his place.

“I figured calling was easier than arranging anything over text message.” Garrett continued, “You sound tired.”

“I feel tired.” She hear him chuckle. “And you  _ knew  _ I can’t say ‘no’ over the phone. Now you’re just playing dirty.” She was trying to joke, though she was finding it difficult to keep up such a tone when none of it felt real.

It was Garrett’s turn to sigh. “I’m getting you a ticket. You’re flying to Kirkwall and you’re going to live with me. For a little while at least. I’m not saying we have to be roommates forever, just . . . just until you get back on your feet.”

“I know. I-I know. You’re right. I just don’t want . . .” Her hand clenched around the phone a little tighter, trying not to succumb to those dark thoughts that always seemed to hove her in her mind. “Am I going to have to listen to you bang your boyfriend every night?” She heard a loud cackling on the other end. “What the--am I on speaker?”

“Sorry. Hands full. I should have told you about that.”

“Yes. You should have.” She didn’t know why it made her heart beat skyrocket, anxiety coursing through her as panic seized her chest in a vice-like grip. “So . . . is that the boyfriend?”

The pause that followed told her he was probably blushing a deep crimson. “...yes.”

Marian smiled. She hadn’t met any of Garrett’s newest friends. They went to highschool with Anders, Varric, and Aveline, having been the first few friends they made upon their move to Kirkwall, but the others that Garrett told her about were all new. She’d heard a lot about them, but she would be lying to say she wasn’t a bit curious about them. “Well, congrats then. What are you doing that has you so busy anyway?”

“Moving a couch.”

“A . . . couch?” She pondered this for a moment. “Garret, are you already moving things around?”

“Just rearranging, Mari.” He chuckled a little, helping to set her racing heart at ease. “So. Will you come? We’d all love to see you again.”

“I sent him a message too. Anders and Aveline as well.”

“Anders is probably busy in classes and Varric is total shit at checking his phone. I’ll tell them to look at their messages tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“It’s Wicked Grace night, nothing fancy. Just some drinks and friends. You’ll have to come by sometime. If . . . if you’ll do it.” She hadn’t realized that she had not answered his question. Marian smiled just a little.

“I . . . it’ll be good to see you again. But you really don’t need to buy my ticket.” She was a bit startled by Garrett’s loud ‘whoop’ of excitement and a thud on the other end. “What? Are you okay?” She heard some distinctly Tevene curses in the background.

“Oops. I’m fine. Just dropped my side a bit. Sorry Fen. I . . . wow. I’ll have to call the rest of the gang over to help move my junk. And I’ll email you the ticket information. Heh. It’ll be great! Wow. Thanks for even considering this. I know it’s . . . tough.”

Marian shook her head. “Heh. Thanks Gare. You always were my favorite twin.”

“Always.”

Marian was quiet a moment and she let out a quiet, slow breath. “I should go, getting kind of tired. I’ll message you again tomorrow, okay? And no buying my ticket!”

“Yeah, yeah. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you, Twinnie.”

“Bye.” She whispered, hanging up the phone and snapping it shut before tossing it to the side. She pressed her forehead to her knees and winced with the slight pain that ran through her shoulder and down her arm. She let out a slow breath between clenched teeth and trying to let her panic slowly settle back down. “It’ll be okay.” She whispered to herself, carding fingers through her hair in exhaustion as she looked at the tiny screen on the front of her old-ass flip phone  that just barely showed the time clearly anymore. It would be okay. She would be okay. She had to be, failure wasn’t an option.


End file.
